Buried Deep
by iMissa
Summary: The road to recovery is a long and hard process. Too bad Dimitri just doesn‘t want to let her go. Dimitri/Rose


**Disclaimer: I really, really wish I had the same kind of amazing talent that Richelle Mead has. Alas, my muse isn't as creative as hers.**

**WARNING: MAJOR spoilers from Blood Promise. For those of you who have not read the latest book (or even those who haven't read the series yet), please turn back now. Thank you.

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**Right from the very beginning, guardians have been taught a mantra, one that has been burned into our brains, into our muscle memory, into our very beings. _'They come first.' _We are nothing without them; it's just a fact of life.

Lissa comes first. No matter what, her pain comes before mine. Her happiness comes before mine. I'm her guardian first, best friend second. Her needs come before my own, and I don't resent her for that anymore.

After all, I had my time to be selfish. That, obviously, did not work out very well.

I reach for Lissa through our bond, and I frown at what I discover, though it has been this way quite often. She feels regret and sadness, and quietly, I slip into her body. She is watching Christian pass in front of her; my eyes--_her_ eyes--are burning a hole through him, which he _must _feel, but he won't even turn to look.

Ugh. Time to get out. Longing for Christian is _not _something my stomach handles well. This, of course, has been pretty much Lissa's default emotions ever since her and Christian broke up, but at least none of the darkness that had once plagued my best friend is rearing its ugly head.

Of course, that's because her darkness is leaking into my own aura, but that's neither here nor there.

I sigh heavily through my nose, blowing the hair from my face in irritability while I slam the book perched in my lap shut. Goddamn authors and their cryptic words. Why the hell couldn't someone just write a book entitled "How to Turn Your One True Love Who Turned Into a Striogi Back To Normal"? That would _seriously_ help me out right now.

Like always, something in my chest pulses, like a cold fist squeezing around my heart. Thinking of Dimitri these days hurts me in ways in never did before.

'_Would he have told me he loved me?'_

My stake. Dimitri's chest. His body falling into the gushing river below.

I flinch at the memories. _'Stop that, Rose.'_

Trying to escape the torture in my own head, I check on Lissa one last time. She's frustrated this time--homework is spread out in front of her, and she's getting irritated. Luckily for me, it's not the same kind of blazing anger that once controlled her. It's the _normal _kind of annoyance, something that Lissa needs desperately after all these crazy spirit side effects.

Exhaling heavily, I lay back on my bed, kicking the book off it in the process. Whoops.

After the fiasco with Avery and her two creepy bondmates, I had worried that Lissa wouldn't have enough in her to recover emotionally. Of course, she always surprises me. Lissa, I should have known, was stronger than given credit for, and I mentally chastised myself for doubting her. Still, emotional strength or not, no one knows the after-effects of spirit, which is what I was looking up. I might as well have just interrogated my door for what I discovered.

I closed my eyes in annoyance. No one ever said life was easy, but still. I had found four spirit users in my lifetimes and four shadow kissed people, which was an incredible amount if you consider how before Lissa, no one really knew about spirit being the fifth element. You'd think that _someone _other than St. Vlad and Anna would have been talked about, but no.

Damn historians.

I stretch out lazily, knocking into something warm, and my eyes fly open with shock.

My heart simultaneously stops and breaks at the same time, because lying next to me is Dimitri. Warm-blooded, tan Dimtri. _Dhampir_ Dimitri, who sleeps.

I am not in my bedroom, but it is a room I'm familiar with, one that I've visited before.

Aw, shit. I fell asleep.

See, stupid Avery's meddling in my brain triggered something after that first experiment of hers. Now, most nights, I dream of the one thing I cannot have.

Dimitri's soul.

'_We could have it, Roza. We could be together forever.'_

'_It was your love, Rose. _Our_ love. You saved me.'_

Goddamn you, Avery, you sneaky bitch. Even insane, you torture me. Even if you _do _do so unknowingly now.

My eyes drink Dimitri in; even though I have almost gotten used to the sight of him as a Dhampir, my mind still wars it with the visions that dance in my head of him as a Striogi. On the nights where I don't dream of him (or even better, the nights where I don't dream at _all_), I dream of our last few moments together.

Dhampir Dimitri and Striogi Dimitri battle it off in my brain. They like to do this from time to time, see which one can hurt me more: the past or the present.

Either way, each one is unobtainable.

Except for right now. Right now, in this dream, is the only time besides in my memories where I get to be with Dimitri, exactly as I always remember him.

As _my _Dimitri.

My Dimitri, with his warm brown eyes, strong but gentle hands, long brown hair that just brushes his shoulders, soft skin, tall but muscular frame. I think of his kindness, his compassion, his _passion_, his protection, the pride in his eyes whenever he looked at me, how he cared for me, the way his arms felt when he caged my body, the sheer length of him on top of me, loving me, caressing me, making sure I was okay, that I was safe and happy…

Dhampir Dimitri wins this round as the memories overflow, times before everything became more complicated than it already was.

I loved Lissa, don't get me wrong. But I missed Dimtri. I missed him something fierce. Like I was just walking around, half of myself. The other half I staked in order to save it; the other half is botched, for my botched attempt at killing Dimitri and setting his soul free.

I bit my lip at the onslaught of Striogi Dimitri memories. His pale skin, red eyes, possessive demeanor, cruelty…everything I had loved about Dimitri was gone.

'_I will always love you.'_

'_That was supposed to be my line.'_

"Roza?" Dimitri's voice startles me, scratchy with sleep, startles me. He's frowning at me, concern shining from those brown eyes I loved so much…eyes I hadn't seen in person for months. Long fingers that once held me so tight and yet so gently came up and wiped at my cheeks. I was crying. Furiously, I scrubbed at my face; the only thing I hated more than crying in front of Dimitri was failing in front of him, though sometimes, they both felt like they meant the same thing. "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing. Just thinking." Dimitri shoots me a look, the same look he gave me when I lied to him about why I froze in front of Stan. The look that told me he absolutely wasn't fooled and wouldn't take no for an answer.

"Rose." That's it, just my name, but it makes me tremble inside. Five inches from me, and I have never missed Dimitri more than I do at this moment. I simultaneously can't wait for morning and pray at the same time that it never comes.

Dimitri's concern morphs into something more subtle, but I've always been the best at reading him: panic. He hates it when I'm upset, even more so when I refuse to tell him what's bugging me.

He captures my face between his hands, eyes boring into mine, and my heartbeat thumps erratically against my ribcage, and I'm almost surprised that he can't hear the jingling of all the shattered pieces of my heart, broken beyond repair when I found out that, worse than being dead, Dimitri was part of the _un_dead.

My façade cracks at that memory--not one I particularly enjoy revisiting, for obvious reasons--and the panic becomes more pronounced; this time, when he says my name, it's firmer, but laced through it is worry.

"You're real, aren't you?" Is what I tell him instead. He's not, not right at this moment, and his soft laughter hurts because I honestly cannot remember the last time I heard him laugh, but at least it softens his pain over not knowing why I was crying.

"Roza, of course I'm real."

"Prove it." I'm desperate for it, desperate for the spark that sears along my skin and burns inside of me. Adrian puts me back as carefully as he can, but he will never be able to stir the feelings inside of me that Dimitri will always be able to.

His lips are on mine, then, soft and gentle, just like how I remember, and I nearly start to weep again. Instead, I force back my feelings, the ache that rocks through me because I know that this is only temporary, and instead focus on the right here and now. Once upon a time, it hadn't been so hard.

I run my fingers through his soft hair, trying to pull him closer to me and he chuckles breathlessly against me, tongue tasting my lips and I open my mouth for him, whimpering. His hands still cradle my face, like I'm made of glass, even though he knows _precisely _what I'm capable of. After all, I've kicked his ass before, both as a Dhampir and a Striogi.

His lips blaze a hot trail down my neck and collar bone, leaving open-mouthed kisses that tingle afterward, and a whole multitude of sounds escape me. His eyes meet mine, and the feelings in them sweep me away.

"I love you." I tell him, tugging his hair up so we're face to face. "I love you so much, Dimitri." _'Please don't ever go away again. Every day without you is fucking torture. Having to try and kill you was even worse. Please don't make me go through with that again, I'm not sure if I'm strong enough.' _

'_Explain it to me again. One last time. Why should I stay?'_

'_Because I want you.'_

Dimitri's eyes are soft as he regards me, and he brushes the hair, tangled from his hands, away from my face.

"Roza," he murmurs, smiling, and he leans down to kiss me, our mouths intermingling slowly, like we have all the time in the world, because in this world, we do. "I love you as well. So very, very much."

'_I will always love you.'_

'_That was supposed to be my line.'_

'_Would he have said it? Would he have told me that he loved me if I had just given him the chance to?'_

And then, just like that, I wake up the buzzing of my alarm clock, alone in bed, and my heart breaks all over again.

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**A/N: Most of the lines in italics are scenes from Blood Promise, words that either Dimitri or Rose spoke. Rose is thinking back to the contradictions, real world Dimitri (who, as a Striogi, never told her that he wanted her to stay because he loved her; he told her that he wanted her, and if you recall, she told him that was the wrong answer) versus dream/past Dimitri, who reassures her in every possible way that he loves her and cherishes her, a feat that had been impossible for the Striogi version of Dimitri. **

**The reasoning behind this drabble-like fic was set off by the ending scene with Avery, who tempts Rose with the image of her and Dimitri living together, a life where their love is accepted and even free to be pursued. My plot bunnies threw a party in my head, and no matter how much I tried to ignore this (since even _thinking_ of Dimitri these days makes me want to burst into tears), this fic refused to be pushed aside. **

**I apologize if Rose seems a little...out of character. Her badass nothing-can-affect-me side doesn't speak to me as well as the side of her that screams for Dimitri. **

**(And yes, I full-on believe that Rose and Lissa will find a way to use spirit to cure Dimitri. I love Adrian, and have absolutely nothing against him, but 1) he's no Dimitri, and 2) even Rose said that he doesn't affect her the same way that Dimitri does.)**

**Thanks for reading, and see that little drop down box? Why don't you make my day and review?  
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